Calling on someone or phoning or making contact in some way with someone who has had a death in the family is often a helpful thing to do. It reminds them that they are still loved by others and it is important that while their own emotions are all over the place, other people are keeping them in their mind. It brings its own form of stability; being remembered. BUT don’t stay too long, or expect a response.

Being available without smothering is important. Someone bereaved needs support but also needs space. It is a difficult balance but worth some thought about what the bereaved person can cope with. Look after them, weep with them, go out with them, but make no demands. If they do not want weeping with or going out with, respect their wishes. Some cultures have very clear guidelines on visiting families who are bereaved, which is often helpful for those responding to a bereavement, but if your culture is less clear, then you need to bring to bear your own personal wisdom and knowledge of the person and their likely needs. How much can one exhausted person bear at a time is a good question to ask yourself.

Avoid Saying: “Death is nothing at all”

This is a famous quotation by Scott Holland has become much used, but it is obviously not true and can often bring a response of anger. Who are you to suggest that it is nothing at all? A bereaved person may not be able to distinguish between your own fear about what to say and trying with good intent, but perhaps a little ineptly, to find something and a sense that your thoughts are dismissive of their reality. Death at this moment is everything.

Acknowledgement that you cannot take away the pain, acknowledgement that you can’t bring happiness but certainty that you are there if needed is probably the most helpful thing.

The Feeling of Being Needed

Sometimes the desire to be needed, particularly if we are the child or parent of someone bereaved, can be overwhelming. It is hugely important to people to know that people are there for them if they need it. The consistency, the genuine open door should the bereaved person be overwhelmed by their own grief and need emotional or other support is vital. It is often key to recovery.

However what many people don’t realise is that often the knowledge that someone is there is enough. Knowing that someone is there often means you don’t actually need to ask them for anything more. If no one is there, then the grief can grow. The sense that you are alone or the belief that you cannot cope anymore can reach overwhelming proportions. However the knowledge that someone is there often means a bereaved person does not fall hopelessly into distressed loneliness, but copes well even though they never actually ask for the help on offer.

A genuine offer to be there is often enough in itself. Try not to demand that the person takes up your offer. Sometimes a demand to be helpful is detrimental.

Faith and Death

It may be a supportive and comforting thought that they are with God, but most bereaved people don’t want the one they love to be with God. They want them to be beside them alive and on Earth.

Faith may well give a framework in which to think about death, but it does not diminish the sting of death or the fear of the separation or pain of loneliness.

“I Know How You Feel”

Even if you have lost someone close it is very very hard to believe in the depth of grief that someone else knows how you feel. And the truth is they probably don’t exactly. It is a phrase that can trip off the tongue all too easily as you try to identify to bring you closer to the bereaved person, but it is most likely to get the justifiable response of “no you don’t”.

“How Are You Doing?”

Badly is almost certainly the answer, but very few people want to say that. However, saying “Very well, thank you” seems hollow and blatantly dismissive of your own state of being if you are bereaved. This can be a dangerous question which feels like a no win trap to answer. The answer is almost certainly long, complex slightly out of reach for a bereaved person. Best to give this a miss.

Be open

Being open to listening is best.

Ask: “How did you meet your wife?”

Ask: “Did you have a favourite place with your father?”

But only ask if you want to listen.

If the bereaved person shuts you out, don’t push them to talk. They will talk if they want and not if they don’t. Open the door but don’t force anyone to walk through it.

Tread carefully, know within yourself that you cannot take away all the pain but you can be there if needed.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

It is a helpful model to use when thinking in the abstract about the process of mourning, but if you are in the midst of it then it is far more likely to feel like a messy and emotionally exhausting process with two steps forward and one step back rather than anything with clean edges and defined stages. However it can help to look back and see how far you have come from the first traumatic realisation that the person you love is not there anymore.

To try and help with the more messy side but accept that some understanding of different stages does exist here are some pointers to ways to help yourself move away from the traumatic state where the world seems almost pointless.

Acceptance in your head.

If you cannot find a way to build the story of the time leading up to the death and death itself, you may only have the traumatic experience at a gut level. You may well then remain in a childlike state where you cannot relax and you assume the death of another person you love is just around the corner. This post traumatic state of being can then continue and the actual event of the death can leave you stuck in that moment itself, reliving it, without your head accepting that it is over and you cannot change what happened.

By thinking through the events and characters within the timeframe you choose, you can put together the story of the last few weeks or days.

Everyone experiences a moment or time of trauma around a death, whether brief or very severe. This moment might be the death itself (if very sudden) or the ‘phone’ call. For many it is a period of time leading up to the death, weeks or hours. It may be the time of decline and slipping into frailty of the one you love; it could be the ambulance drive, the warning conversation with a doctor or even the distress of another close to the person who is dying.

The story helps you move into a period of mourning rather than staying like a rabbit in headlights, stuck in the moment of trauma. Mourning is an important stage to reach. Tell the story of the time before and the time of the death of the one you love.

Acceptance in your heart.

Anniversaries, birthdays, family time festivals can be very poignant, especially in the first year. It can feel important to sidestep the pain of reminders and to live in a sort of denial, a void where you cannot go some places, get up on some days. However when you feel strong enough, start to go places that were jointly important to you and the one who has died and acknowledging anniversaries small and big. Each time can bring you a little resolution in your heart. Talking with others about their memories on these anniversaries may seem just too hard, but ultimately it is these shared moments of letting others know how important the things you miss are and hearing others memories that can help with acceptance in your heart.

Sometimes people who love you find your grief very difficult to see and want you to avoid things that mean they might have to watch you in distress. Sometimes people want this new mourning every time an expected memory touches you to go away quickly. However, it will take the time it takes. You can help yourself though by not avoiding this part of mourning; be brave and encourage others to be courageous with you. In the long run everybody’s distress feel a little less raw and the capacity to share good memories will be increase enormously.

These two things are key steps to feeling less fragile in yourself:

1. Finding acceptance in your head of the reality and moving away from the traumatic moment into the journey of mourning and

2. Gently discovering acceptance in your heart along the journey of grief.

The original poem is believed to have been written in the 1930′s by Mary Elizabeth Frye, a florist from Baltimore, who is not known for any of her other work. The famous words are set out below.

Many more beautiful poems for funerals and remembrance can be found in an anthology which is also called Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep and is available for immediate download.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Seasons in The Sun

Seasons in The Sun has always been a favourite song of mine, probably even before I understood the words properly. The song is of a story told by someone who knows that he is going to die. This is his way of saying farewell to his friends and his relatives. Songs about death can sometimes be rather morbid, but this song has a charm of its own. The singer talks about the joy and fun of the life he has enjoyed with those close to him. After the acute grief of death and a period of mourning, we can begin to think about the person we have lost in the context of happy memories.

The song was most famously sung in 1973 by Terry Jacks, who had international success with it, but the Irish boy band Westlife sang a version in 1999 which was a Christmas number one hit in the UK.

The lyrics are below:

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
we’ve known each other since we were nine or ten
together we’ve climbed hills and trees
learned of love and ABCs
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

Goodbye my friend it’s hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky
now that the spring is in the air
pretty girls are everywhere
think of me and I’ll be there

We had joy, we had fun,
we had seasons in the sun
but the wine and the song
like the seasons have all gone
all our lives we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
but the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time

Terry Jacks – Seasons in The Sun
Released 1973

“Death is the last taboo in our custom,” writes Caroline Doughty, the author of If There’s Anything I Can Do: How to Help Someone Who Has Been Bereaved. It is because of this taboo, and her own experiences of being a young widow that she wrote this book. Not only is this book worth reading if you have friend who has been bereaved, but it is worth reading if you have been bereaved yourself.

The book is a combination of shared experience by the author, who lost her husband to cancer at a young age and of the experience of others who have been bereaved. More than that, it is a book full of practical and sensible advice about what to do and how to help after someone has died.

Each chapter contains “Practical Ways to Help” and “Golden Rules.” At the end are useful appendices about what to say and what to say to someone who has been bereaved. There is also sensible advice about dealing with depression and a very useful appendix of organisations and charities who can give further support.

If There’s Anything I Can Do? is a useful, sensitive and at times charming book.

For more information about the book click here.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep is a charming collection of over 250 “poems, quotations and readings for funeral, memorial services and inner peace” compiled by Lucie Storrs.

The famous poem after which the anthology is named is believed to have been written by Mary Elizabeth Frye, a florist from Baltimore in the twentieth century. In this collection Lucie Storrs adds a charming middle verse. The poem has of course been famously set to music, most recently by Katherine Jenkins.

The anthology is not only a good source book for anyone who needs to think about readings for a funeral or a memorial service, but a book that will be comforting in its own right for anyone who is having to deal with death and cope with bereavement. Some of the poems and quotations will ring very true with those who have lost someone they love and will bring them some comfort.

The book also contains helpful advice about delivering a eulogy at a funeral or at a memorial service. Reading some of the poetry will give support to anyone who has been asked to do this, especially if they are anxious about.

For more information about the book click here.

The death of a parent as an adult can take you on different emotional paths, depending on the time it happens in your life, the age of your parent and the type of relationship you had with them.

No matter what, whether expected or unexpected, whether you have a close relationship or one fraught with conflict and disappointment, or whether you live nearby or never see them, there is something seminal about the death of a parent or someone who has cared for you in your childhood.

Love and attachment

The loss of a human being who has known you from birth or from your childhood can leave a hole within you. Hopes you had that they might meet your children, might approve of your upcoming promotion, might continue to financially support you or might be there when no one else seems to care can feel devastating. On the other hand, the loss of a parent you feel is holding you back can feel a release, or possibly you hoped for release but feel fear instead. Were they really holding you back? Now the excuse suddenly seems gone.

Things said and unsaid

Your mind might well take you along memories and present emotions of love and anger, the things said or the things left unsaid. Childhood love and fear may well come back unexpectedly.

Siblings, the other parent, step parents and partners

The death of a parent often brings siblings back into the same space. This can rejuvenate lost relationships from childhood and give a level of mutual support, or it can cause sibling rivalry and jealousy to rear its head again. Conflict over funeral choices or wills is common and grappling to fill the missing role in the family can all happen with or without intent and be a part of the friction.

The remaining parent may be very distraught or trying to compensate for the missing part of parenting with now grown up children around and everyone’s sense of identity is challenged. Step parents and partners also struggle with the changing family identities. The trauma and change will be different for everyone; touching base with your own feelings is extremely hard, never mind trying to touch base with everyone else’s.

All the above can be opportunities for growth and a greater sense of self-awareness and understanding of your own life, the path you have taken and the choices yet to be made.  Of course, it is very hard to see this in the midst of acute grief. It may well be that old patterns of relating kick back in.

If this is the case try and find some private time and space to think about what has triggered your own reaction to somebody else and why. It is common to feel very alone, yet without any privacy to grieve. You are catapulted into someone else’s space, for example back at your childhood home or in a hotel, and so is everyone else. You are alone in your emotional turmoil, yet with everyone upset and checking how you are, making funeral arrangements and helping grandchildren in their grief there isn’t a moment to catch up, to sit in your fathers favourite chair, hold his walking stick and just be with him through your childhood and his changing years. Try and find the time for yourself

Your own death

Anxiety about your own death is likely to be in your mind; how it might come about, when it might happen and whether you are ready for it. These thoughts arrive just when you least need them. Just looking into the face of your own death to come changes you. There is no going back. Let it happen.

At some point it will be good to take the time to sit with these thoughts, even if terrifying, and acknowledge the added level of mortality that you feel. Settle into this new identity of being a mortal being.

The mantle of safety that good parents give you in childhood may well feel a little fragile for a short while. The responsibility of being the older generation may kick in. All these thoughts and changes take time to adjust to. Take the time you need.

For help with death of a parent for a child, there is a separate article on children and grief.

Are you still overwhelmed by grief to such an extent that your behaviour is diminishing your life?  Are you still feeling acute grief every day? Do you seem unable to make any recovery and have fallen into a chronic depression which does not seem like mourning but long term apathy?

If so, you might be suffering from complicated grief or unresolved grief.

It is worth saying that most people who suffer a bereavement do grieve and mourn and find some recovery in life. However, there are some who are so carefully defended against the fear of depression that they avoid grieving. Others can complicate their own recovery by using alcohol or drugs which inhibit some of the processes of mourning. Some people emotionally withdraw as a means of self-protection. Others fall into depression which, unlike in normal grief, never seems to lift.

This is called complicated or unresolved grief. One of the difficulties with complicated grief is that people suffering from it often do not know how to ask for help, or in what way they might need help. As is often the way, those who most need help are unlikely to seek it out for a wide variety of reasons past and present.

However, if you feel that any of the above describes you, be brave and consider how you might seek out some help to engage in the mourning process and find a path to recovery.

Unresolved grief is most likely to happen if one or more of the following is part of your story.

A complicated relationship with the deceased which was already filled with conflict or sadness before the death and left you with a lack of fulfilment.

If there is another life crisis which occurs concurrently with the death of a loved one.

A series of close deaths in a short period of time can cause a bereavement overload and prevent normal grieving.

Little support from family or your social network at the time of a traumatic or unexpected death or after the funeral.

A refusal to allow any offers of help into your life and a sense of isolation which may be partly self-created.

If the death reminds you of deaths from the past or triggers memories of relationships from the past which caused trauma then this can also cause unresolved grief.

Do not be afraid to seek help for any of the above.

Find help to make the loss real and the facts around it part of your story. This can help you to move away from denial and anger into the mourning process and deal with the reality of the emotional impact of the loss on yourself.

Find help to understand the jumbled up emotions within you. They may be so raw that you might be putting them aside and living in an emotionless state which does not allow you to grieve.

Find help to think through how to live without the one you love in your life. You may well feel mindless and need another human being to think with you about how to create a space which reflects the new reality.

Find help to make some space in which to grieve. Time to grieve, not just physical time, but the emotional space to allow yourself to mourn is vital.

Do not be afraid to explore past deaths. Why have particular memories of death come back and seem to be haunting you so many years later? There may well be an emotional link, and seeking to understand it can help with the recovery of the present death on your mind as well.

All the above are very hard to do alone. You may well need some a little help or you might need much more help depending how you feel and how unresolved your grief has become. It is really important to free yourself to seek the help you need.

No one can do these things alone.

For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
and he will guide them to springs of living water;
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Revelation ch. 7 vs. 17

I like to read the following two passages one after the other. The first gives me time to give in to my misery. It creates the feeling that the world is out of control and that death is all around, that there is no escape from my terror and fear as I am lost and separated from one I love. Then Psalm 23 gives me a time to settle down and realise that I am not alone in my mourning. I can steady myself and learn not to fear the valley of death but to walk through it with others.

We have but a short time to live.
Like a flower we blossom and then wither;
like a shadow we flee and never stay.
In the midst of life we are in death;
to whom can we turn for help,
but to you, Lord, who are justly angered by our sins?
Yet, Lord God most holy, Lord most mighty,
O holy and most merciful Saviour,
deliver us from the bitter pain of eternal death.
Lord, you know the secrets of our hearts;
hear our prayer, O God most mighty;
spare us, most worthy judge eternal;
at our last hour let us not fall from you,
O holy and merciful Saviour.

Book of Common Prayer – The Committal

The Lord is my shepherd : therefore can I lack nothing.

He shall feed me in a green pasture : and lead me forth beside the waters of comfort.

He shall convert my soul : and bring me forth in the paths of righteousness, for his Name’s sake.

Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil : for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me.

Thou shalt prepare a table before me against them that trouble me : thou hast anointed my head with oil, and my cup shall be full.

But thy loving-kindness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life : and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Psalm 23

For almost everyone who is bereaved there is a moment, however brief or long lasting, of looking into the face of one’s own death as well. The death of another in our life brings home to each one of us our own mortality. In this moment of being vulnerable or perhaps open to the nature of human mortality, we see our own mortality before us as the inevitable event that it is. It is harder to hide. It can be a terrifying moment in itself, or it can be an opportunity to understand our own relationship with our own mortality and wonder if we live our lives knowing we are mortal or pretending there is always another day ahead to become we want to be.

At a time of the death of one we love, we need comfort in our grief and hope in our own life.  This poem by the old man who holds the Christ child in his arms has always been my favourite poem in death and in life. In a few short sentences it tells us of someone who is living without fear. He is at peace. He has seen salvation in the eyes of a child and he looks into the face of his own death with peace in his heart. He has been a small but important part of giving the world hope and light. Not all of us are so lucky but with each death we grieve we can take time to look at our own life.

Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace :
according to thy word.
For mine eyes have seen :
thy salvation;
Which thou hast prepared :
before the face of all people;
To be a light to lighten the Gentiles :
and to be the glory of thy people Israel.

Nunc Dimittis (The Song of Simeon) – Luke ch. 22 vs. 29-32

If we can find hope in the midst of darkness then we can follow the path of mourning into a new light. The old light might well be with us still and be diminished in our grief but we can begin to find a path to rediscovering our own life beyond the death of one we love.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.
And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband;
and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying:

“Behold, the dwelling of God is with men. He will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation ch. 21 v. 1

Bereavement after suicide has special features which my leave a longer sense of acute grief and then a longer and more disturbed period of mourning beyond.

Suicide leaves those behind dealing with a great range of emotions beyond the immediate sense of loss. There is often a legacy of shame, fear, rejection, anger and guilt. Many close to someone who had committed suicide become obsessed with thoughts regarding their own possible role in triggering the event or  an even more common a sense of guilt at having failed to prevent it. It is a heavy load to bear.

Shame is often a predominant feeling of suicide survivors.

There is still stigma attached to suicide in our society and often the facts are kept secret from other parts of the family or from children. Communication and mutual mourning is prevented by the fear that a family secret will accidentally be revealed. Shame around attempted suicide is also prevalent, often disabling families from seeking the help needed for the individual or the family as a whole.

Guilt is very common amongst survivors of suicide victims.

Responsibility for the actions of the deceased get taken on by one individual or passed around within a family. The guilt can be particularly exacerbated if the suicide happened while there was family conflict. The consequential feeling of a need to be punished can lead some to behave in a way that they get punished. For example children turning to delinquency and the use of drugs or alcohol can lead to self-created punishment.

Blame can also be a manifestation of guilt.

Some people project their sense of responsibility onto others and need to place the blame very openly onto someone specific. A small past event can become of over-riding importance to hide ongoing destructive long term family relationships or the irresolvable, depressive nature of the suicide victim. Blame can be an attempt to regain some control in an uncontrollable circumstance and to try and find an explanation in a deeply personally rejecting form of death.

Anger, even intense anger is often felt at being rejected.

This feeling of rejection can take the form of the survivor feeling the victim did not think of them at all in their own sense of hopelessness. The survivor feels literally abandoned and their own existence seems somehow negated by the act of suicide. Sometimes the internal rage of the victim is felt as a rage and an act of violent rejection against the survivor as well as themselves in the taking of their own life.

Fear and anxiety also exist.

The old cliché that suicide is catching means survivors sometimes carry a sense of doom; this is especially true for the children of suicide victims. Anxiety concerning genetic transmission of the tendency can occur. Parenting ability in such circumstances is questioned and fears for young children and their future being is high in the mind of survivors.

Family myths and distortions of the truth about the death can be fabricated.

Though by no means always true the family context may already be strained due to difficulties in relationships and therefore to help with your own or another’s grief requires some acknowledgement that complex family relationships beyond the actual suicide itself may need help.

The need for understanding and support.

Anger, abandonment, guilt, blame, loss of meaning, as well as fear for your own stability and identity are normal reactions to bereavement. These emotions may well be very extreme if you are close to someone who has killed themselves. In this particular form of grief our overwhelming desire can be to protect ourselves and our families from the reality or to punish ourselves or another for perceived failure. However, family myths do not protect the next generation down, they make them more susceptible and self-recrimination is likely to lead to long term self-destruction behaviour rather than long term recovery from bereavement, grief and loss over the perceived events and relationships before the suicide as well as the bereavement from the actual death itself. Please seek help for you and your family if these feelings continue to control your life and the life of others around you.

The Purpose of Modern Funeral Embalming.

Modern funeral embalming is a different and short lived process. It does not aim to preserve bodies for an eternal period, or even a long period. Its main aim is to clean and disinfect the body, replacing bodily fluid with embalmer’s fluid and lifting the sunken facial features back into a more lifelike look. The aim is to take care of the body for the family before the funeral. It can help the person to look more as they were in life at the viewing or for vigil, if that is what the family would like, but it is not essential. After a week or so the process does begin to degrade and the body, if buried rather than cremated, begins its natural process of decay back into the earth.

Important Things to Know and Do When Making a Decision Whether to Embalm The Body for a Funeral.

1. Embalming can be expensive. It is not by any means essential and except in very rare circumstances is not required by law. It is a personal choice.
2. Decide whether you would like to view the body before the funeral. Again embalming is not an essential even if you would like to view the body or sit vigil so long as there is not a long period of open viewing. It can help prevent the sense of everything looking very sunken and the person looking more elderly or sick than they actually seemed in life. However, having a person embalmed can also slightly change their features. It is impossible to control the exact quality of the embalmer. It is more disconcerting to see people in unusual clothes or without their glasses, than whether or not they are embalmed.
3. Decide if you would like an open casket at the funeral. The more public the viewing and the greater numbers involved, the more likely people are to choose the process of embalming. It is natural human nature to want one you love to look their best in public, and the features of an un-embalmed person who has moved on from this world can look very weary. However, for some the natural look in death is part of the process. Most important of all is to consider the number of viewing days with the casket open before the funeral. Embalming helps preservation of the body for a few days.
4. Consider what may trouble you about embalming? Take a moment to think through whether the thought of the process might upset you. It is possible the benefits for you and your family of embalming outweigh this worry or indeed the thought might not worry you at all. Sometimes it is better just to ask the funeral directors to get on with what is best, so long as you have defined the financial agreement, and not think too hard about it at all.
5. Environmental issues may be a consideration for you. There may be questions about the chemicals, which after about a week start to return to the earth through burial with the body itself. You should consider whether this is a concern to you and ask your funeral director for information about this.

Funeral Embalming is a personal choice for those bereaved. The most important consideration is the question of the viewing for the family and the open casket at the funeral. It is an entirely personal choice, although for some it may simply be a financial choice. There is no right or wrong as to whether you choose to have a viewing of the body or not, a closed or open casket, embalming or not. Soon enough the process of nature will begin its task whichever way you decide. It is your personal choice as to whether you would like the embalmer to preserve a more lifelike look for the days before the funeral.