Bereavement and Suicide
Though all death and loss leaves its legacy in individuals and families, there are certain circumstances of death which might well need greater understanding and are known to have a long lasting impact.
Bereavement after suicide has special features which my leave a longer sense of acute grief and then a longer and more disturbed period of mourning beyond.
Suicide leaves those behind dealing with a great range of emotions beyond the immediate sense of loss. There is often a legacy of shame, fear, rejection, anger and guilt. Many close to someone who had committed suicide become obsessed with thoughts regarding their own possible role in triggering the event or an even more common a sense of guilt at having failed to prevent it. It is a heavy load to bear.
Shame is often a predominant feeling of suicide survivors.
There is still stigma attached to suicide in our society and often the facts are kept secret from other parts of the family or from children. Communication and mutual mourning is prevented by the fear that a family secret will accidentally be revealed. Shame around attempted suicide is also prevalent, often disabling families from seeking the help needed for the individual or the family as a whole.
Guilt is very common amongst survivors of suicide victims.
Responsibility for the actions of the deceased get taken on by one individual or passed around within a family. The guilt can be particularly exacerbated if the suicide happened while there was family conflict. The consequential feeling of a need to be punished can lead some to behave in a way that they get punished. For example children turning to delinquency and the use of drugs or alcohol can lead to self-created punishment.
Blame can also be a manifestation of guilt.
Some people project their sense of responsibility onto others and need to place the blame very openly onto someone specific. A small past event can become of over-riding importance to hide ongoing destructive long term family relationships or the irresolvable, depressive nature of the suicide victim. Blame can be an attempt to regain some control in an uncontrollable circumstance and to try and find an explanation in a deeply personally rejecting form of death.
Anger, even intense anger is often felt at being rejected.
This feeling of rejection can take the form of the survivor feeling the victim did not think of them at all in their own sense of hopelessness. The survivor feels literally abandoned and their own existence seems somehow negated by the act of suicide. Sometimes the internal rage of the victim is felt as a rage and an act of violent rejection against the survivor as well as themselves in the taking of their own life.
Fear and anxiety also exist.
The old cliché that suicide is catching means survivors sometimes carry a sense of doom; this is especially true for the children of suicide victims. Anxiety concerning genetic transmission of the tendency can occur. Parenting ability in such circumstances is questioned and fears for young children and their future being is high in the mind of survivors.
Family myths and distortions of the truth about the death can be fabricated.
Though by no means always true the family context may already be strained due to difficulties in relationships and therefore to help with your own or another’s grief requires some acknowledgement that complex family relationships beyond the actual suicide itself may need help.
The need for understanding and support.
Anger, abandonment, guilt, blame, loss of meaning, as well as fear for your own stability and identity are normal reactions to bereavement. These emotions may well be very extreme if you are close to someone who has killed themselves. In this particular form of grief our overwhelming desire can be to protect ourselves and our families from the reality or to punish ourselves or another for perceived failure. However, family myths do not protect the next generation down, they make them more susceptible and self-recrimination is likely to lead to long term self-destruction behaviour rather than long term recovery from bereavement, grief and loss over the perceived events and relationships before the suicide as well as the bereavement from the actual death itself. Please seek help for you and your family if these feelings continue to control your life and the life of others around you.
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